Snow Blanca America
by Yumi-Tsubato
Summary: America cast as Snow Blanca is a Princess kept under tight security of the evil queen, played by England. When his Bethesda account is canceled and Skyrim is taken away from him, Snow Blanca will travel the Black Forest, fight an assassin, meet some Dwarves and eat a poisoned apple just to quench his Elder Scroll thirst. RANDOMNESS Oneshot, corse content, RUSAME - M to be safe


**Forever later I post a new fairy tale parody! Snow White this time!**

**So anyways, to those new to these types of things, its basically a parody of fairy tales using Hetalia characters and a bunch of other randomness. If you adored Snow White and cant bare to have it be mocked in any way, then dont read it, thats all I can say ;p**

**The beginning of this one is rather serious and stuff but the comedy kicks in later on. I also decided to put the list of the cast at the end of the story this time as to have it be a surprise to who plays who. Though I guess some of you will just skip to the end.**

**BTW: I really wanted to play Skyrim while I was writing this so expect a lot of referrences xD**

**ENJOY!**

* * *

In a Kingdom buried by snow for a vast majority of the year lived a fair queen married to a just king. The two loved each other very dearly and conceived together, the lovely heir to their Kingdom. The fair queen was now pregnant and all of the Kingdom rejoiced at the news and could barely await the arrival of their adorable princess - because the baby was obviously going to be a girl.

Anyways, at the fair queen wondered her snow covered garden, she could only marvel at how beautiful, peaceful and serene it was. She smiled softly and wished aloud the qualities she wanted for her child.

**JEANNE **(the fair queen)

God, I wish for a daughter as pure as first snow of the winter, with hair as golden as the freshest crops of wheat on a hot summer's day, eyes as blue as the clear sky on a sweet spring day and a beautiful smile to warm the hearts of those chilled by the winds of autumn.

And so the months passed leisurely and finally, the fair queen gave birth to her beautiful daughter which she named after the purest season, Snow Blanca. Her daughter embodied everything she had wished for and the fair queen couldn't have been happier. The just king, Snow Blanca and she lived happily along with the Kingdom for two years before she fell ill and passed away.

The Kingdom mourned her death dearly as did the king and her daughter but they had to continue with their lives and so, in order to forget the pain that came with losing his fair queen, the just king married another woman.

The woman he had decided to bind his life to was fair but could not compare to the late queen and her kindness she grew jealous and fought with all her heart to be thought of the best by bettering her looks. In the end, the Kingdom found itself seduced by the newest queen and forgot all about kindness.

The Kingdom returned to happiness but, sadly, the just king could not forget his beloved late wife and died from grief. Snow Blanca was left alone in the care of a new queen she had not gotten to know.

**CHIBI AMERICA **(young Snow Blanca)

So you're my new mama?

**ENGLAND **(the new queen)

I guess I am...

However the newest queen and leader to the Kingdom was grieving. She had truly loved the just king and was deeply jealous that, even if he had married her and promised to love her with all his heart, he thought of another. The newest queen's jealousy became so deep and so passionate that it transformed into hatred.

The newest queen now hated the previous wife of her husband and so hated Snow Blanca who was supposedly the spitting image of her. She locked Snow Blanca away in a tower, claiming it was for her own good, and governed the Kingdom on her own. The newest queen became evil and obsessed with destroying everything that had to do with the previous queen. She tore down statues of her, burned thousands of paintings with her face and any books mentioning her until no knowledge could be found of her.

She had erased her.

Almost.

The only proof that the fairest, kindest queen had ever existed was Snow Blanca who resembled her ever so accurately. And so, the now evil queen feared that one day, when Snow Blanca would come of age, her beauty would rival her own and that the Kingdom would want her back on the throne in the name of the old queen. The answer was simple, but the task was another.

The evil queen would have to kill Snow Blanca but she hesitated to because her beloved king had cherished his daughter with all his heart. Thus the reason why the evil queen merely decided to lock Snow Blanca away.

Many years passed and the Kingdom forgot Snow Blanca, the evil queen had struggled desperately to keep Snow Blanca contained for, as the princess grew, she became gradually more turbulent and noisy.

Now, Snow Blanca had finally reached her 18th birthday and she was as determined as ever to escape her tower.

**AMERICA **(Snow Blanca)

Seriously, why am I always a girl in these things!? I have a penis!

Snow Blanca also developed a sailor's mouth from insane frustration of being contained in an environment. Actually, Snow Blanca had become the little demon her mother hadn't wished for instead of the quaint little angel that had been requested a few months before her birth.

**AMERICA **_fist pumping_

Right well, this year I'm totally escaping this stupid tower because I need to explore the world and stuff! Plus, I need to download the Dawnguard expansion pack for Skyrim on a public computer since my internet access and Bethesda account has been canceled by that stupid limey...

Right...

And so Snow Blanca strategically devised the perfect plan to escape her tower and explore the new world. She had noticed that every birthday the queen would send a guard to deliver her a blue birthday cake. The guard was normally brief about his meetings but Snow Blanca noticed his perverted gaze and decided that he would take it to his advantage; he would seduce the guard, and then kill him with his sword the second she could grab him using the skills she acquired while she could still play Skyrim. She _was_ a level 67 warrior with all the one handed skill perks and light armor perks.

This is what she had trained for her whole life, the second she had heard about the amazing game.

Just on schedule, the guard arrived carrying a blue cake and wished her a happy birthday.

**AMERICA **_flirting_

This cake is way too big for me to eat on my own, would you like a slice?

**JAPAN **(the awkward yet perverted guard) _nervously_

N-nani? A-are you sure?

**AMERICA **_fluttering his eyes_

Totally! Come on in!

Snow Blanca forced the guard inside her tower and had to endure him talk about how odd a blue birthday cake was to him. After a few slices of cake, the guard had loosened up and she began to work her charm. The guard was soon seduced and obeyed to her every command, thus she decided to change her tactic and simply knock him out because she had grown rather fond of him over their short conversation.

Once the task done, Snow Blanca fled her tower and dashed towards the Black Forest where she would gain cover and lay low until the queen would stop searching for her.

* * *

**ENGLAND **_enraged_

What!? Snow Blanca fled her tower!?

**JAPAN **_flustered_

P-please do not be so angry your majesty; I am sure she will eventually return.

**ENGLAND**

No! The world can not know about her! Or else the Kingdom will remember who her parents were but most importantly, her mother!

**JAPAN**

Then what shall you do...?

**ENGLAND **_grimly_

Something I should have done years ago...I'm going to have her killed. Guard! Bring me all I need to perform the black sacrament and summon the Dark Brotherhood!

The guard did as he was told. He found a human heart, a human skeleton, and some human flesh, a nightshade flower and a dagger. The effigy was surrounded by candles and finally, the queen was left alone to pronounce the sacred words of the ritual. As she rubbed the dagger with the nightshade flower and repeated the chant, an assassin appeared out of the smoke and loomed over the pile of bones.

**CANADA **(assassin/huntsman)

The Night Mother answers your call, what is it my child?

**ENGLAND**

I want you to bring me back the heart of the child Snow Blanca. I have heard reports that she ran into the Black Forest.

**CANADA**

The Black Forest is a dangerous place, she is probably already dead.

**ENGLAND **_angrily_

I summoned you to do my bidding and you shall! Bring me back Snow Blanca's heart!

The assassin disappeared with a nod to hunt down Snow Blanca and take her heart away. As the assassin did so, the queen eagerly bought a magic mirror from a traveling pair of Khajit merchants. They had claimed that the mirror gives out the name of the most beautiful woman alive and since the queen was positive it was her, she bought it to up her self confidence.

**ENGLAND **_hanging the mirror on the wall_

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

**POLAND **(the magic mirror)

Like you totally know it's you, sister!

**ENGLAND **_relieved_

Oh good.

**POLAND**

Well, like, only if that assassin guy totally kills Snow Blanca because she's like totally the prettiest chick ever!

It had been settled, Snow Blanca would die to up the self confidence of the evil queen.

* * *

**AMERICA **_running in the forest_

This story is so confusing!

Hey, I'm trying my best here and stop breaking the fourth wall.

**AMERICA**

Well, dude, you're making so many Skyrim references, I bet some people won't even understand it!

You know what!? It's complicated to come up with a parody version of a fairy tale you don't really remember!

**AMERICA **_stops running_

That's what Wiki is for, dude!

I don't have internet right now! Ah! Never mind, keep running.

**AMERICA**

Fine..._starts running_

Oh and watch out for that tree.

**AMERICA **

Wha - _crashes into the tree and falls on the ground._

Snow Blanca landed on her butt and rubbed her sore face. As she stood, she felt the presence of a malevolent, ignored assassin that might have been following her like a professional stalker for a few miles now. She turned around and found the man that the evil queen had hired to kill her.

**AMERICA**

Dick move Narrator.

What now?

**AMERICA**

You're making me fight my bro!

He's not your bro, he's an assassin sent by the queen to kill you, stop breaking the fourth wall and fight!

**AMERICA **_to the assassin_

So the evil limey queen sent you to kill me, hun?

**CANADA **_darkly_

She has. She requests your heart. _Pulls out a dagger_

**AMERICA **_jolts_

Dude, that's freaky!

**CANADA **_tosses the dagger to Snow Blanca_

I've heard you know how to defend yourself, there's no way I'm going to eliminate someone with skill without a fight.

**AMERICA **_stares at the dagger_

Bro...You sure?

**CANADA **_nods_

Yeah.

And so the two charged each other, the assassin unsheathing another weapon he had kept hidden blocked Snow Blanca's first blow and immediately retaliated. His blow being blocked, he jumped back to dodge another attack and charged again. It was an action packed battle scene, the two were fighting each other mercilessly until Snow Blanca dropped her dagger and stared at the assassin charging her.

All seemed lost for the princess when suddenly, she charged back empty handed and tackled the assassin into a loving, brotherly hug. She broke into tears and told him that she didn't want to fight him, that she loved him way too much for that.

**CANADA **_breaking into sobs_

I'm sorry bro! I didn't mean to freak you out or try to hurt you!

**AMERICA **_crying_

S'okay bro! Just promise me you won't do it again.

You guys suck as actors.

**AMERICA **_sniffling_

We need to do something about that evil queen though, he wants me dead! What a psycho!

**CANADA **_rubbing the tears away_

Yeah, I agree. He said he only wanted a heart so I guess we can kill a deer or something and I can just say it's your heart.

**AMERICA**

Good idea! Let's make up by hunting and confuse the queen at the same time too!

**CANADA**

Fine by me but you have to promise me to run far, far away from here and seek refuge somewhere where the queen won't find you if she were ever to discover that you were still alive.

With that promise settled, the two new besties searched the Black Forest for their victim which they brutally massacred and took its heart. The assassin and Snow Blanca embraced each other one last time before parting.

Snow Blanca wandered deeper into the Black Forest as the assassin returned to the queen and showed her the heart that he pretended was from the exiled princess. The queen believed every word and didn't bother to verify if she was now the fairest of them all since she obviously was since Snow Blanca was obviously dead.

Obviously.

Meanwhile, Snow Blanca encountered freaky trees with retarded faces and was molested by random branches that seemed to have it out for her ass. Since she still had the dagger, she fought off the perverted plant life and continued deeper into the dangerous vegetation reminding herself that she was doing this to get the Dawnguard expansion pack for her PC, regain her Bethesda account and explore the world.

Right after completing the thousands of quest that composed Skyrim and the thousands of new ones that would be added the second she would add Dawnguard.

Man, she wanted to play Skyrim.

Finally thinking that she had destroyed all the perverted trees, Snow Blanca continued her journey nonchalantly but she had vitally forgotten the Boss Tree that found her and knocked her out. The Boss Tree looked around and saw that there was no one around to stop him if was to...say do Snow Blanca hard in the ass?

He began to undress her when he was randomly assaulted by miniature, ninja-like creatures who chopped him down to pieces. They then examined the beautiful woman-totally-not-a-man laying on the ground and decided they would bring her back too.

When Snow Blanca finally awoke she was laying in the smallest bed imaginable. She leaned up to sit and hit her head; not only was she in the smallest bed ever but also in the smallest room ever. She rubbed her sore forehead and crawled out of the room and into a larger one she could actually stand in. There she found seven dwarves chatting calmly amongst themselves about current events.

**GERMANY **(Dwarf number 1)

It seems that Prince wasn't one of us which makes sense since he was pretty tall. He said the Great Deku Tree told him it was his destiny to find the princess and save her from the evil queen and to also impregnate her as he has done in two previous lives.

**ITALY **(Dwarf number 2)

Veeh, that sucks, I'm going to miss him. But maybe he'll come back?

**ROMANO **(Dwarf number 3)

Pff! Don't count on it! What an ungrateful bastard! If he ever shows his face again you can be sure that I will beat it in!

**AUSTRIA **(Dwarf number 5)

You're so violent, what would it give you to beat him up if he ever came back?

**ROMANO **_hissing_

Why don't you shut up!? It'll satisfy me! That's what it'll give!

**PRUSSIA **(Dwarf number 4)

You guys are so unawesome! Arguing is for chumps.

**HUNGARY **(Dwarf number 6)

Would you shut up Dwarf number 4!? You're so annoying!

**AMERICA **_puzzled_

Weren't there supposed to be seven of you?

**GERMANY**

Didn't you hear what I just said? Dwarf number 7, Prince, left to save the princess.

**ITALY **_smiley_

Did you sleep well?

**ROMANO **_bitterly_

You better fucking have. That was my bed you squashed under your fat body!

**PRUSSIA**

Whoa Dwarf number 3, you're not supposed to call a woman fat.

**AUSTRIA**

He's right, it's rude and offensive.

**ROMANO**

Like I give a crap! I wanted to fucking sleep and then she -

**GERMANY **_interrupting_

As Dwarf number 1 and the clear leader of this pack of Dwarves, I vote that we take away Dwarf number 3's right to speech because he's simply unpleasant to hear. Those who agree say 'aye'.

**ROMANO**

Potato bastard!

**HUNGARY**

Aye.

**PRUSSIA**

Aye.

**AUSTRIA**

Aye.

**ITALY**

Aye.

**ROMANO **_surprised_

Fratello!?

**ITALY **_apologetically_

Sorry fratello but you can't call a woman fat! If you do they get all upset and that's sad to see so to protect the good humor of this pretty lady I must vote for your silence.

**ROMANO **_angrily_

Well screw you all! You can all become the five Dwarves for all I care!

_Exit Dwarf number 3_.

**GERMANY **_grimly_

And so there were five. The losses to our pack can be dangerous to our survival. I will consult the Great Deku Tree as soon as possible to solve this issue.

**AMERICA **_disappointed_

You guys are ridiculous.

**HUNGARY**

Oh, I forgot you were still there.

**AUSTRIA**

So did I.

**PRUSSIA**

So did you sleep well?

**AMERICA **_truthfully_

Actually, not really, I dreamt that I was about to be raped by a tree... but that can wait. Can I crash here for a few weeks? I'm a wanted person and I have to wait until the coast is clear before I go on a quest to find the Dawnguard expansion pack.

**PRUSSIA**

Oh that game was so awesome! Did you know that -

**AMERICA **_covering ears_

No spoilers! I can't hear you! La, la, la, la, la laa!

**PRUSSIA**

Calm down, dude.

**AMERICA**

So can I stay here for a bit?

**GERMANY**

We do have two empty beds now; you can push them together and use them as a normal sized bed.

**AMERICA **

Sweet! Thanks!

**GERMANY**

Though there is a condition.

**AMERICA **_cautious_

You're not going to ask me to have sex with you or something right...?

**GERMANY**

No, I'm already in a relationship.

**ITALY **_points at self_

With me, veeh!

**GERMANY **_blushes and coughs_

R-right. The condition is that you need to clean the house and take care of cooking meals. We work in the mines all day and none of us really feel like doing those chores after such a physically demanding task. We'll also have more work to do since two of our people have left us.

**ITALY **_sadly_

I miss my fratello...

**AMERICA**

So basically you want me to become your house wife?

**GERMANY**

Ja.

**AMERICA **_shrugs_

Whatever, as long as I get to stay here until the coast is clear.

Thus Snow Blanca was accepted into the small but quaint home of the dwarves that had saved her virgin ass from the wrath of the Boss Tree. However, Snow Blanca wasn't necessarily cut out for house work and so she called delivery places instead of cooking and abused animal into slavery to clean the house for her.

The house was always beautifully clean and the Dwarves were always fed to heart's content thanks to the hard work of everyone under the dictatorship of Snow Blanca.

* * *

As the queen continued to believe she was truly the prettiest, fairest of them all and that no one remembered Snow Blanca or her parents, she decided that she would need a husband to fill in the gap the turbulent princess left in her parting. She searched all over her Kingdom but found no one able enough to satisfy what was missing in her life.

It was then, four months prior Snow Blanca's supposed death that the queen returned to the mirror she had bought and spoke the magic words to boost her self confidence.

**ENGLAND **_to the mirror_

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

**POLAND**

Like totally not you! You should have totally come to me sooner, that assassin like lied to you! He didn't bring back Snow Blanca's heart, he totally brought you back, like, the heart of a deer and, like, tricked you and stuff.

**ENGLAND **_mad with rage_

What!?

**POLAND**

You heard me sister! That assassin guy totally tricked you; Snow Blanca is still alive and is still the fairest of them all!

**ENGLAND**

So it's because of that pest that I can't find a man to satisfy me!? If I kill her then I will be able to live happily ever after! Curse the Black Sacrament! I should have done it myself!

**POLAND**

I, like, totally don't understand your logic but go for it!

Hence forth, the evil queen was consumed by her feeling of hate and jealousy which gradually made her uglier and uglier as she plunged into her plan to eliminate Snow Blanca. She found a collection of apples and dipped them into the strongest poison she could ever make - because the queen was also an excellent alchemist and making poisons was her specialty.

Once all the apples were perfectly poisoned, she put on the disguise of an elderly woman as to appear innocent and set out to find Snow Blanca. The evil queen wasn't a fool - far from it - she based herself from where the assassin and Snow Blanca would have had their supposed fight and found the rotting corpse of a deer. From there she headed further into the Black Forest since she had been told that Snow Blanca had ventured into it and then found the corpse of Boss Tree - though she didn't know it was Boss Tree because she hadn't had much knowledge about the trees in the area.

A little further beyond the route she was taking, the queen could hear the jolly singing of Dwarves and - of course - followed them home because she had confused them with Lepercons and wanted their gold.

It was when the Dwarves entered their house that the evil queen came to the disappointing conclusion that they weren't Lepercons but also learned that Snow Blanca lived with them. Her eyes filled with greed and malice, she eagerly awaited the Dwarves to part again - for they had only stopped to work for their lunch break.

**AUSTRIA **_wearily_

I feel a disturbance in the Force...

**AMERICA **_glares at Narrator_

Is it because this story doesn't make much sense?

**AUSTRIA**

Partially.

Fuck you guys.

**AUSTRIA**

But I believe something bad will happen when we leave...

**ITALY **_nervously_

I have the same feeling...

**GERMANY**

Perhaps we should stay instead of returning to work...

**AMERICA**

Don't you guys go lazy on me! You need to work your asses off to pay your internet bills so I can continue playing Skyrim! I just got the Dawnguard expansion pack set on my new Bethesda account that I forced you all to buy me; there's no way I'm going to suffer through another delay to playing this thing!

**HUNGARY**

I kind of wish Dwarf number 3 was here to say something absolutely hateful to you right now...

**AMERICA**

Anyways, eat you lazy asses and get back to work! I need to get my character back up to his original level so none of you guys bother me when you get back!

**PRUSSIA**

Is it just me or are we under an unawesome dictatorship?

**AUSTRIA**

When is a dictatorship ever awesome?

**PRUSSIA **_smirks_

When it's part of foreplay before having sexy bondage sex...right Dwarf number 1?

**GERMANY **_blushes_

...

**AMERICA**

Dude! You did what...?

**ITALY **_excited_

Veeh, can we do it too some time?

**GERMANY **_flustered_

Dwarf number 2! Don't say such things aloud!

**HUNGARY **_backing away slowly_

I have to go...set up some security cameras...for Snow Blanca...right...totally not for a different reason...

_Temporarily exit Dwarf number 6_.

And so the Dwarves ate the food Snow Blanca had ordered from McDonalds before being forced to return to slave labor thus leaving the princess alone in the house with an evil queen bent on killing her just a few meters away.

**AMERICA **_happy_

Fuck yeah! I get to play Skyrim now!

**ENGLAND **_knocks on the door and imitates the voice of an old woman_

Hello...?

**AMERICA **_aside_

Maybe if I'm quiet she won't think there's anybody in the house and will leave...

**ENGLAND**

I know you're in the house and I won't leave until you open this door.

**AMERICA **_reluctantly opens the door_

Yo. What do you want?

**ENGLAND **_shows the basket of poisoned apples_

I'm selling apples to have my grandchildren sent to University.

**AMERICA **_snorts_

Good luck doing that with a batch of apples. You know what you should do? Invest! See you can start off with a low sum of money, say one gold coin, from there you can buy a very small percentage of a company that is doing mildly good but that is not well known enough since you need to start making a steady income. When you have enough money to buy 5% of a larger company like Google, then you should take the chance even if it means losing a lot of money in the process it'll just mean that you'll make the double of what you spent and you know how that saying goes: "To spend money is to make money" or something... Anyways, Google rarely ever loses money so you can be sure that you'll have a ton of money to send your grand kids to University in no time!*

**ENGLAND **_convinced_

That does sound more promising than selling apples..._shakes head and returns back to original purpose of selling apples_ But I'm just a poor peasant that is too stupid to remember that.

**AMERICA**

No biggy, I can just write it down on a piece of paper or something.

**ENGLAND **_angrily_

No! Just buy me some damn apples so I can send my grand children to University!

**AMERICA**

Come to think of it, isn't it the job of your children to send their children - thus your grand children - to University and not you?

**ENGLAND **_bitterly_

Just buy the damn apple.

**AMERICA**

What if I don't want the apple?

**ENGLAND**

It's healthy and delicious. You should eat it.

**AMERICA **_unconvinced_

I don't know, my assassin bro told me not to eat anything supposedly healthy from creepy old women.

**ENGLAND **_lies_

It's a caramel apple.

**AMERICA **_happy_

Sweet! I love those things!

**ENGLAND **_gives an apple_

Here.

**AMERICA **_examines_

I don't see any caramel...and why does it look poisoned?

**ENGLAND **_lies_

The caramel is invisible and gives a poison allure to the thing it covers.

**AMERICA **_excited_

That is so cool! Can I just buy the caramel from you?

**ENGLAND**

You didn't even taste it first, how do you know you're going to like it?

**AMERICA**

That's right, you sound British too which might mean that your food is ultimately disgusting.

**ENGLAND **_livid_

Just. Eat. The. Apple.

**AMERICA **

Sure.

Snow Blanca took a bite from the apple and swallowed the piece. At that very moment, the evil queen - still in her old woman disguise - burst into a fit of evil laughter and ran off into the forest.

**AMERICA **_confused_

Uh... okay...?

The confused yet poisoned princess returned into the house of Dwarf slaves when the poison finally took effect. She clutched her throat as the poison forced her throat to cave in and stop the circulation of air to and fro her lungs. She fainted from the lack of oxygen and entered a deep sleep; her only hope of awaking one day would be through magical and romantic means.

* * *

The evil queen ran around the forest laughing hysterically and pass the working mines of the dwarves that lived with Snow Blanca. They exchanged looks.

**ENGLAND **_hysterically_

I did it! I killed her! Snow Blanca is no more! I am finally the fairest of them all and I can get a move on in my sex life!

**ITALY **_anxious_

Oh no! Snow Blanca is hurt! We have to save her!

**AUSTRIA**

As a matter of fact, the evil queen said that Snow Blanca was 'no more'. It's likely that Snow Blanca is already dead thus us running to her aid would make no difference.

**GERMANY**

That is true.

**HUNGARY**

Then what do we do?

**GERMANY**

Since Snow Blanca is already 'no more' and, as Dwarf number 5 said, it would probably make no difference if we ran to her aid. I suggest we finish our work for the day and head back home to confirm if Snow Blanca is truly dead.

And so the dwarves finished their labor for the day and returned home at the leisurely pace where they indeed found Snow Blanca in a deep sleep.

**PRUSSIA**

That crazy bitch lied. Snow Blanca's just sleeping, she's not dead.

**GERMANY**

_Ja_, so does anyone know how to wake her up?

**ITALY**

Oh! I have a book called Snow White that says that we have to bury her with things that represent her and stuff to have a prince come to her and kiss her awake.

**GERMANY**

Alright, so what represents Snow Blanca?

**HUNGARY**

She always left cheese burgers and milkshakes everywhere around the house and had her private maid clean it up.

**PRUSSIA**

She was obsessed with playing Skyrim and Dawnguard.

**AUSTRIA**

She had a thing for aliens and horror movies.

Thus having concluded all malleable things that represented Snow Blanca, the dwarves pulled her body into a random clearing in the Black Forest and began to bury her with cheeseburgers, milkshakes, copies of Skyrim, aliens and horror movies. They then waited for a prince to randomly arrive and kiss her awake.

**PRUSSIA**

Come to think of it, why are we doing this? She was a total bitch that put us through slavery.

**HUNGARY**

He does have a point.

**GERMANY**

And she didn't do the things I wanted her to; she hired others to do it for her. In the end, she was just dead weight.

**ITALY**

I miss my fratello.

**AUSTRIA**

I suggest we abandon her here to be either saved by the prince or molested by trees.

**HUNGARY**

Yeah, the trees here are pretty weird.

**GERMANY**

Then we have come to an agreement. We shall abandon Snow Blanca here and return to our mediocre lives.

The dwarves returned to their home, as they said they would and abandoned Snow Blanca in the clearing. A few short moments later, a handsome man in a green tunic on a horse wandered in said location where Snow Blanca laid.

**LITHUANIA **(Navi)

H-hey! P-please listen...

**RUSSIA **(Dwarf number 7, Prince, Link, whatever...) _annoyed_

Is it useful?

**LITHUANIA**

Well...there's a princess lying there...

**RUSSIA **_gasp_

That's her! That's the woman-man-thing I impregnated countless times in two past lives!

**LITHUANIA**

Men can get pregnant?

**RUSSIA**

This is a fairy tale, any messed up thing can happen and simply be explained by magic.

**LITHUANIA**

Well how are you going to awaken her?

**RUSSIA**

If I base myself on the previous events of this story, I have to do something magical and romantic.

**LITHUANIA**

With a kiss?

**RUSSIA**

With sex.

**LITHUANIA **_startled_

S-sex...? How is that magical?

**RUSSIA **_darkly_

When a fairy is involved.

**LITHUANIA **_frightened_

B-but you're all...a hundred times my size...

**RUSSIA**_mischievously_

Oh so you're offering yourself to add magic to this romantic idea I thought of? How kind of you.

**LITHUANIA**

W-what are you talking about!? I-I never offered -

Before more protests could be heard from the fairy, she was forced into a three way with an unanimated corpse and a tyrannical hero-dwarf-prince-thing. After the supposedly romantic and magical act was accomplished, Snow Blanca awoke from her deep slumber.

**AMERICA**

Was I raped in my sleep?

**RUSSIA**

I wouldn't say rape, you seemed to enjoy it. I mean, you did wake up once we finished.

**AMERICA **_gasp_

Oh my god, not again! Not you!

**RUSSIA**

No matter the tale our love will always find a way as will my determination to impregnate you.

**AMERICA**

But I'm a man!

**RUSSIA**

That didn't stop you from being impregnated during _Bella America_.

And so, Snow Blanca and the Prince kept breaking the fourth wall but eventually married and fucked their brains out until Snow Blanca was once again impregnated. And they lived happily ever after...almost.

**FRANCE **(the just (but perverted) King)

I didn't even get a line in this thing. Le pamplemousse.

* * *

*This is bogus financial advice since I have no idea on how invest and the rest of that crap actually works

* * *

**CHARACTER ROLES**

* * *

**AMERICA** - Snow Blanca

**RUSSIA** - Dwarf number 7, Prince and Link

**CANADA** - Dark brotherhood assassin/huntsman

**ENGLAND - **Evil Queen

**POLAND** - the Mirror

**GERMANY** - Dwarf number 1

**ITALY** - Dwarf number 2

**ROMANO** - Dwarf number 3

**AUSTRIA - **Dwarf number 5

**PRUSSIA **- Dwarf number 4

**HUNGARY **- Dwarf number 6

**LITHUANIA **- Navi

**JEANNE** - the fair queen

**FRANCE** - the just (but perverted) king

* * *

**Just before I get to concluding the story or whatever, does anyone remember when France gets upset in an episode and says** _Le pamplemousse_ **? xD Best moment of MY life! Anyways, that basically means Grapefruit in French so ... yeah...**

**ANYWAYS I hope your brain was mind fucked just right!**

**WHO LIKED MY VIDEOGAME MENTIONINGS!?**

**People suggested I do Little Red Ridding Hood next but I want to know if theres another one youd prefer! Review to rant on your mind fuck and see you next Oneshot!**


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